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Tuesday, May 16, 2006
this blog is so public but HELL.
so this is me - one moment happy and the next sad. it's funny how my feelings can fluctuate in a matter of minutes. somehow, i still feel like im living in the past or at least the shadow of my past. why can't i just step out into the sunshine and move on? maybe i've been hurt that deep. so bad that everytime the past comes to haunt, i feel my heart wrench and being squeezed. suffocated. i want to let go and i think i have. at least i hold no bitterness, hard feelings or resentment towards anyone. but there's a scar. i've turned into someone i don't even know anymore. running away from all my problems (canada). i feel worthless and i need affirmation. tho at times, i just want to fade into the background and be invisible. hope time flies me by and get everything over and done with.
my perspective of relationships changed a lot too. im still naive and trusting as usual. but now i take in whatever people tell me because i just cannot be bothered to find out whether they're telling the truth. cos if they want to lie to me, then so be it. i feel like i cannot be hurt anymore. like i've reached the maximum point of hurt and nothing can make it worst. numbed. i wont stand my case even when i know im correct. i just give up, like that. be a pushover. winning isn't a deal to me anymore. if winning means so much to you then let you win. putting people down makes you feel superior than so be it. doesn't bother me. life is short, no use wasting time on this kind of bulls. people are dying, do something good.
ever read somewhere that love is like a butterfly. the more you chase it, the more it eludes you. but if you just let it fly, it will come back to you when you least expect it. this is true, i've got kai. never expected to meet him at BAOC. am i fucking lucky or what? and so i've also learnt not to hold on too tight. im just scared of losing the things that i have that i'd rather willingly give it up then be left with no choice and have it taken away from me. i don't know what im doing with my life, my relationship, my friendships, everything. close friends seem to be everywhere but in singapore. i am selfish and i want them next to me. i want to go too. left behind thanks to poly. but believe me, im doing the best i can. complicated. all these external forces are damned. thou shalt not fall to temptation. and all these projects, i don't think i can take it much longer. the stress and deadlines are so suffocating and i wonder how i'd make it through. i know, i need kai to get me through. but i cannot always rely on him because he has his projects and other commitments too. i am on my own. but boy, im right here, for always. two makes things easier.
bad sign, im back to listening to stefanie sun's wo bu nan guo again. and i see myself back in sann's apartment. drinking orange juice with vodka, sitting on the chair next to sann and crying. sann's telling me that its my last cup. and i just cry and cry and tell her im okay while she's telling me that im drunk. and i tell her i am not and that i will remember everything i said. then she tells me that i have reached my threshold. and i tell her "i just don't understand why. why there are always people trying to break up couples." and she replies, "no one is trying to break you and ky up." and i say i know. i am not talking about me and ky, talking about other people. and i just continue crying for no fucking reason.
before i forget, happy birthday dy :D
and i have decided. tomorrow i shall be happy :))
in the end, it all comes down to one.
[ 1:24 AM ]
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
this blog is so public but HELL.
so this is me - one moment happy and the next sad. it's funny how my feelings can fluctuate in a matter of minutes. somehow, i still feel like im living in the past or at least the shadow of my past. why can't i just step out into the sunshine and move on? maybe i've been hurt that deep. so bad that everytime the past comes to haunt, i feel my heart wrench and being squeezed. suffocated. i want to let go and i think i have. at least i hold no bitterness, hard feelings or resentment towards anyone. but there's a scar. i've turned into someone i don't even know anymore. running away from all my problems (canada). i feel worthless and i need affirmation. tho at times, i just want to fade into the background and be invisible. hope time flies me by and get everything over and done with.
my perspective of relationships changed a lot too. im still naive and trusting as usual. but now i take in whatever people tell me because i just cannot be bothered to find out whether they're telling the truth. cos if they want to lie to me, then so be it. i feel like i cannot be hurt anymore. like i've reached the maximum point of hurt and nothing can make it worst. numbed. i wont stand my case even when i know im correct. i just give up, like that. be a pushover. winning isn't a deal to me anymore. if winning means so much to you then let you win. putting people down makes you feel superior than so be it. doesn't bother me. life is short, no use wasting time on this kind of bulls. people are dying, do something good.
ever read somewhere that love is like a butterfly. the more you chase it, the more it eludes you. but if you just let it fly, it will come back to you when you least expect it. this is true, i've got kai. never expected to meet him at BAOC. am i fucking lucky or what? and so i've also learnt not to hold on too tight. im just scared of losing the things that i have that i'd rather willingly give it up then be left with no choice and have it taken away from me. i don't know what im doing with my life, my relationship, my friendships, everything. close friends seem to be everywhere but in singapore. i am selfish and i want them next to me. i want to go too. left behind thanks to poly. but believe me, im doing the best i can. complicated. all these external forces are damned. thou shalt not fall to temptation. and all these projects, i don't think i can take it much longer. the stress and deadlines are so suffocating and i wonder how i'd make it through. i know, i need kai to get me through. but i cannot always rely on him because he has his projects and other commitments too. i am on my own. but boy, im right here, for always. two makes things easier.
bad sign, im back to listening to stefanie sun's wo bu nan guo again. and i see myself back in sann's apartment. drinking orange juice with vodka, sitting on the chair next to sann and crying. sann's telling me that its my last cup. and i just cry and cry and tell her im okay while she's telling me that im drunk. and i tell her i am not and that i will remember everything i said. then she tells me that i have reached my threshold. and i tell her "i just don't understand why. why there are always people trying to break up couples." and she replies, "no one is trying to break you and ky up." and i say i know. i am not talking about me and ky, talking about other people. and i just continue crying for no fucking reason.
before i forget, happy birthday dy :D
and i have decided. tomorrow i shall be happy :))
in the end, it all comes down to one.
mich (( 1:24 AM ))
× michelle.
22101987
TWENTYONE :)
× life now
working at Credit Suisse
UOL- Banking & FInance
